Shocking new research has uncovered findings that could completely revolutionise male-female interactions.
Sure to blow the minds of trash mag columnists, lazy psychologists and conservative politicians everywhere, the research indicates ‘men’ and ‘women’ may not all be cookie-cutter replicants with interchangeable personalities and motivations.
There are even suggestions that within each of these groups vastly differing emotional makeup, sexual preferences, strengths, weaknesses, likes, dislikes, desires and morals can be found.
Researchers M. Bolicks and B.S Jones made the striking discovery after initially examining their own social groups.
“I first became curious after listening to my female colleagues talk about the opposite sex over drinks one night,” Dr. Bolicks explained. “If you read online dating advice, or the ‘Life and Style’ section of the paper, it’s very clear: women are attracted to a very specific male ideal: tall men with deep voices and ‘kind’ faces.”
But to Dr. Bolicks’ amazement, each of his workmates claimed to look for different things in the opposite sex: “One said she likes dark-haired blokes, one said she goes crazy for men with light hair and nice arms. Half of them loved facial hair, half of them hated it. Some of them wanted a lovely, caring man; others wanted an adventurous, confident man. One woman claimed to enjoy one-night stands more than dating … and one even said she enjoyed sex with women more than men!”
After recovering from the initial shock, Dr Bolicks enlisted close friend Dr Jones to help him explore these radical ideas further. “Having Briar (Dr Jones) on board became really important once it occurred to me that our relationship is technically impossible. I mean, we’ve been friends for over a decade and I’ve never once tried to shag her. Hell, I actually like her – as a person, not a pair of tits. Read any evolutionary pseudo-psychology website and you’ll know that doesn’t make any sense.” It was an opportunity for both researchers to discover more about their own social spheres – one that Dr Jones jumped at the chance to be part of.
“We started off testing small focus groups of 20-30 randomly selected individuals”, Dr Jones explained, “About 200 people in all. And – I couldn’t believe it – we were instantly able to make similar observations to what Mark (Dr Bolicks) first noticed at work drinks. There were women with no interest at all in wedding dresses and designer handbags, and men who don’t enjoy giant steaks and anal sex. There were even a couple of guys who claimed to find rugby boring – but we’re pretty sure they were just taking the piss. Same with the gamer girls.”
Dr Bolicks and Dr Jones are committed to further research, and excited about the possible implications of their findings. “It really is incredible – it’s almost like there’s almost no single trait you can apply to an entire group of people based solely on their genitals,” Dr Bolicks said.
“I’m actually a bit scared,” adds Dr Jones. “If all men don’t actually love ‘the chase’, and all women don’t dream of being treated like princesses … how are people going to make any sense of the world?”
“Next we’ll be finding out old people have valid opinions, and beneficiaries are capable of feeling emotions!”
* Sharkastic News is a feature I intend to run regularly but sporadically (depending on what stupid things I see in the news and how high my sarcasm levels are running).